Month: August 2014

Incident Twelve: When in Rome

I hadn’t been on a proper holiday with Mr Weirdo in the whole time we had dated before this. We had been a couple of times to a cottage his family owned in Scotland, which had no working bathroom, where they made us pick up leaves in the garden all day before an awkward family dinner.

In contrast Rome sounded romantic and far away so I was keen to go. To this day it remains my favourite holiday destination, it is a truly beautiful city with kind people living there. Going with Mr Weirdo was an obvously bad choice.

Everyday he woke me up at 5am so we would leave the hotel at 6am and take a long walk to all the tourist attractions. He planned out a schedule which we could not deviate from, leaving little time to just wander around and soak up the City. They were all places he had chosen, my suggestions to visit Keats grave were brushed off as a waste of time.

Second day we went looking for the Vatican. With so many tourists, you’re unlikely to be lost too long in Rome so I suggested Mr Weirdo ask a local for directions. He grabbed a passing old man and said, loudly and slowly with the stereotypical hand gesture, “WHERE IS EL VATICANO?”.

I looked at this poor old bloke with horror, trying to convey apology with my eyes. The old man was very sweet about it and spoke to me, blanking Mr Weirdo, “Vatican” and pointing in the right direction. El Vaticano is not how it is said in Italian, obviously.

Later that day Mr Weirdo suggested we should scout out a pharmacy and buy some condoms. We hadn’t slept together much since he’d come back from the other girl at his Uni, and things were still a bit tense in that area. I figured, fuck it, we’re on holiday, it could be quite nice.

We bought the condoms and took them back to the hotel room. Things got started and then just as he went to get it in, I tensed up. I suddenly just didn’t want it, and a feeling of dread washed over me. I was alarmed at myself, I’d never experienced anything like it. He kept trying to get in and then found he couldn’t because I’d tensed up so much it was impossible. So he became quite forceful to try and get in by any means possible.

At this point I did say stop as it was quite painful to say the least. I said stop, then please stop. It was only when I started crying because it was so painful that he clambered off and sat on the other side of the bed. I sat up and pulled my pants back up. There was a bit of blood. The next day my period started and I was relieved as I knew there would be no more attempts in Rome after that.

“The problem with you is you never try” sighed Mr Weirdo as I stood up and went to the bathroom.

I told this story recently to a close male friend and he was absolutely horrified. The sad thing is, pretty much every female I know has been through at least one similar experience. Just look at Scorned Woman #3 and Mr Hotel Room. We start seeing these episodes as just part of modern day dating. I still feel angry about the whole thing, but it’s a resigned sort of anger.

And of course I still didn’t gather the common sense to leave him for another year. I guess in that sense I may as well be just as angry at myself as at him. Hopefully, we learn.

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Doomful Online Dating – 24th August

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There’s no excusing what some people consider sexually fulfilling… (And I’m not sure how I can be labelled crazy, when your picture is under the definition of the word in the Dictionary…)

Return of “It’s not me…it’s definitely you”

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So, one of my first posts was about a guy that was a bit of an Internet stalker. (And I said other rude, yet true things in my original blog.)
It turns out he wanted a second chance…And the above was the outcome of this, dedicated to all of those women that like to see a male ego crushed into tiny, tiny pieces. Then go up in flames.

Incident Eleven: Sexual Oddities

So now Mr Weirdo was back in my life. Following his grovelling apology he started parking his car ten minutes away from my house (too scared of my parents to park any closer) and we carried on dating as though nothing had happened.

I think he must have been nice to me around this time. I certainly can’t remember anything odd or vile happenening for a few months. I guess he needed to make sure I was suckered back in.

I did however soon notice a few changes in our sex life. I put it down to the renewed relationship and him wanting to spice it up a bit. Amongst these new oddities:

He would change positions during sex roughly each 40 seconds (guys shouldn’t need to be told this surely, but this does not demonstrate prowess. It means we will never orgasm and it will get boring and tiresome)

He asked me to finger his butthole. Not during sex, but just as an act on its own. Which, you know, whatever I guess some guys are into it. But he only wanted me to do it just after he’d done a shit. I refused, FYI.

He became fascinated with tying me up or covering my eyes/face or both. I started to see a few elements of cruelty sneaking in. One time he tied me up and started trying to insert random objects while I tried to kick him away with just my legs and begged him to stop. You know, for realsies, not for role play.

Speaking of which, he also developed an interest in roleplay. Again I get this is a thing for people, and outside the bedroom I love fancy dress, but in the bedroom I just feel like a bit of a pratt and can’t really get into it.

But by this point I wasn’t exactly sticking up for myself. So one day Mr Weirdo says he likes the idea of me being a schoolgirl and him being a younger schoolboy. I find the whole suggestion a bit awkward and uncomfortably laughable. I try and put him off by saying I don’t own a school uniform costume.

He asked me to wear my sisters. My sister who at this stage was maybe like 13 or something, her real life uniform. We look uncannily alike anyway. The idea of having sex in my sisters clothes, needless to say, puts me right off so I refuse.

I later find some of my own clothes which, at a bit of a stretch, could pass for a schoolgirl outfit, but Mr Weirdo has by this point lost interest and claims it is not the same. Dressed as my underage sister would have been much sexier.

I remember even at my level of naivety, alarm bells were starting to ring. Sadly again I didn’t listen. Thats when Mr Weirdo booked the Rome trip…

Doomful Online Dating – 10th August

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Yes, you are right I’m still looking sexy.
No, however I am still not replying.
Desperate much?

Incident Ten: The Gods

I want to tread lightly here as a lot of the following sounds like elements of psychosis, and in no way do I want to mock or belittle mental health issues. Psychosis can be a terrifying and isolating experience at its worst. However, I can categorically say that Mr Weirdo did not have any elements of psychosis. Much like the OCD, he just thought it made him sound “cool and interesting” if he pretended he did.

During the University break up, after I’d just found my feet and made new friends, he called me up in tears at 2am saying everyone else he knew was in a couple and it made him realise how much he loved me. Like an idiot, I crumbled and took him back.

I was excited for him to meet the group of friends I had made while he was gone. To this day I regret this decision as they still hang out with him and don’t know the full extent of what he is like. More on that later.

When he realised I wasn’t as isolated anymore, and he’d need something to hook me back in, he told me an interesting secret.

“When I was younger, God used to talk to me through my pet rabbit”

When I expressed a blunt amount of scepticism (“Like fuck did he!”), he told me he had his own made up religion. He must have had this ploy on the backburner for a while as his email address was named after one of his fake gods.

He set up a website to prove his point, listing four fake gods and a back story which I found later was lifted straight from the Final Fantasy game series. He stole artists copy righted images from other sites to show how these gods looked in his head, not removing the watermarks.

When describing the gods, their only defining trait was anger; as in most angry, second most angry etc. Although the whole thing made me laugh myself sick, this thing about the anger maybe should have triggered off some alarm.

When I mentioned these gods some years later he strongly denied any of their existence. The website was removed straight after.

Doomful Online Dating – 6th August

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So many of these I have got to start date stamping them in the post title.

Wasn’t interested in you the first time.
Days have passed and I am still not.
Shocking I know…